Starting point is 00:00:00 They stop stride from committing an evil crime Nice one guys! But in the process they walk Step back through time! What should they do? Who should they kill? Probably someone innocent They've got to travel back through time
Starting point is 00:00:14 Something to learn through time Friendship is forever Friendship never ends It doesn't matter what time you're in You're still a dragon friend A f*cking dragon friend Picture if you will, Tarle Those forgotten realms, lands of infinite adventure and impossibility
Starting point is 00:00:38 Where brave adventurers hold a candle to the darkness of deceit and wickedness Picture inside that if if you can, the time of old high Netheril when mages erected cities in the sky to rule upon all when magic was unfettered. Picture, if you can, then, a magical ship sailing majestically through the air, impossibly wondrous, a thing of which men have made
Starting point is 00:01:04 to show how like the gods they have become. Picture, if you can, inside this ship, a modestly appointed teppanyaki restaurant where, for some reason, I anticipate we will be spending the majority of the adventure. Sluggy beer proprietor is at the wok. A horseshoe of tables surrounds as eggs and noodles fly in the air. Dave, it's not a wok.
Starting point is 00:01:34 It's just a Japanese food. It's just a... It's sort of a giant hot plate. It's a hot plate. Yeah. And... It's a hot plate. Let's not start chanting racist Dave.
Starting point is 00:01:48 Let's not make that a thing. Let the record show that it came naturally from the audience and wasn't prompted from on stage. Guys, please, let racist Dave speak. Let racist Dave speak in whatever accent he's about to speak in. Please. I'm so sorry. Racist Dave, the floor is yours.
Starting point is 00:02:17 You see, you think I'm upset, but if I get cancelled, I don't have to do this podcast anymore. I crave it. I yearn for it. A horseshoe table surrounds a covenant is in the midst of being formed. The dragon, friends, lion, shield, banknote,
Starting point is 00:02:36 the laroon, siblings, the howlers and the great jar himself, Strahd Von Zarovich, are sitting deep in council eating what I can only assume is a fabulous, if somewhat bizarrely unseasoned meal. Quick point of order. Have we parked the ship to save on fuel?
Starting point is 00:02:55 The ship is hovering to conserve fuel, and some of the howlers are already mending the holes in the side of the ship. It seems that they came with material to plug the holes that they created. This was a planned shipjacking, not a suicide mission. Mmm. Now, we'll say that Strahd is sitting at a table with, let's say, Bobby and Will.
Starting point is 00:03:17 Well, if it's teppanyaki, they'd all be around the same time. I know, but I'm talking about who's sitting with who. Baston is going to be sitting... Someone just in the audience there, you couldn't see them when you said that about... They were like, yes.
Starting point is 00:03:28 As if they were just going to f*cking storm out if that weren't addressed. I didn't come here to be insulted. Strahd is sitting with Filge and Bobby. Jarek Rimm is deep in conversation
Starting point is 00:03:38 with Bastogne. Lion Shield Banknote is sitting by himself, not partaking in the festivities. But Friso is sitting with the La Rune siblings, Moira and Maisel. Question. Yes.
Starting point is 00:03:49 Jarek, Rim, Strahd, different people, same person? Are you asking Jarek? Yes. No, we're different people, mate. I'm sitting here and Strahd's over there. What's your relation to him? I'm his main man. I'm his numero uno. I'm his numero
Starting point is 00:04:05 uno. How'd you guys meet? Hockey. Okay, cool. Jarek Rimm was actually a warlord of the Waste Outside the Balonarcs. Before that, hockey. Who was defeated
Starting point is 00:04:22 in battle by Strahd. Hockey wars? He was defeated in battle by Strahd. In the great hockey wars? He was defeated in battle by Strahd and has now become his most fervent convert. But before that, it was the Under-9s tournament in Lithgow. And in that battle where I was defeated by him... The hockey battle. No, this was separate to that.
Starting point is 00:04:42 He fought with such honour and such poise that after I'd said, obviously, oi, you're from Undines Hockey. I pledged my allegiance to him. Yeah, right. But hockey first. Yeah, cool. It was hockey first. Ben, can I ask a question?
Starting point is 00:05:04 During that riff just then, were you struggling your brain to think of anything about hockey? Anything about hockey. Yeah. Anything. A position. What do we know? They take corners, I think.
Starting point is 00:05:14 Yeah, I went through like four different things and I was like... I mentioned Canada. I was like, that's netball. That's also netball. That's not a real thing. I'm back to thinking about where the months go. Absolutely baffling for anyone who's not at the live show. So, okay, well, this time waste is happening.
Starting point is 00:05:35 How do you guys know each other? We come from the same neighborhood. Yeah, the same. I grew up just down the road from him. And he was kind of a bully, but... You grew up in the Balinox? Yeah, I grew up in the Balinox. Amongst the six tribes?
Starting point is 00:05:52 Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, adjacent to the tribes. Temporally. In the future. Which tribe were you part of? Hockey
Starting point is 00:06:07 And they cheers Also I will say We don't need to keep Because they I don't know why you're lying Yeah their pretense is I know it comes so naturally To the Dragon Friends
Starting point is 00:06:22 Just to lie at any question But like You have said you are time travellers. Yeah, right. True, true, true. But no, it's important to keep your end in. So, Friso, meanwhile, you're sitting next to the wildling mages, the Laroons.
Starting point is 00:06:34 Yeah, and Friso's just like, man, did you see that bit where he cut off the shrimp table and flipped it into his pocket? God, that was good. It's another teppanyaki reference. Shrimp tail, shrimp tail into the pocket. It's a classic teppanyaki reference What? Trip tail Trip tail into the pocket It's a classic
Starting point is 00:06:48 teppanyaki bit What is your purpose here, mage? Oh, I just got an idea for the Dragon Prince Christmas party Not now Not now
Starting point is 00:06:54 Paintball We're doing something Oh my god Friso points He's talking to the Rulun siblings and he says to them he pulls out his magical focus
Starting point is 00:07:08 and he shows it to Moira I believe and she would recognise it because it is that's my brother's mirror your brother's mirror? oh well it's your mirror then sir I stole
Starting point is 00:07:23 I got this from you gave this to me in a different timeline. In a previous timeline. Sorry, before you said gave it to me, you said I didn't catch. Yeah, what did you say there, mage? I said stole, but
Starting point is 00:07:41 I was really talking about my heart that you stole because you're in love with my brother? No, no, it was I said stole, but I was really talking about my heart that you stole because... You're in love with my brother? No, no, it was a platonic love. We were all in love. We're all in love? We were very close. We were extremely close. In another timeline. In another timeline. I'm just showing this to you because you wouldn't give it to me
Starting point is 00:08:01 unless you really cared about me or I killed you, for example. Or you stole it, yeah. Yeah, but you wouldn't give this up unless you were dead so I just want you to know that we have the capacity to become very close also can I show you this and Frieza's gonna show them is no Frieza was gonna show them a scroll that heiso's going to show them a scroll that he has with them to prove his power. What scroll? This is a scroll of a... It'd be funny if he called his penis his scroll.
Starting point is 00:08:34 We've got to leave this riff behind. A Vegemite scroll. Sorry. Yuck. Does anybody else have any scroll rips to get out? Just before It takes Hugh some energy to put the in marker in And before he has to put the out marker Oh like if you were pleasuring yourself
Starting point is 00:08:55 You'd be scrolling Okay No? Alright Little snippy snippy on the scroll Little snippy snippy there Hugh And we're out Three, two, one
Starting point is 00:09:03 Edit point Freezo was going to show them a scroll that he has with Dave What scroll? the scroll. A little snippy snippy there, Hugh. Three, two, one. Edit point. Frieza was going to show them a scroll that he has with Dave. What scroll? A scroll of the Tarasque? Oh, sh*t, right. The scroll of the Tarasque. Tarasque. Okay, so let's be very clear for a
Starting point is 00:09:20 second. This is a scroll. I don't know if you guys if the rest of the Dragon Friends know this. You found this in the ruin of Anetherese city a thousand years in the future uh sacrificed a lot to get it i frieza got this in the um either patreon only or twitch stream version of beef babes in the season finale of like part two of that i mean that's a weird way to say what I said, essentially. How you doing, 702? Yes. Friso found this in a library in an old Nethereese ruin a thousand years ago in the future.
Starting point is 00:09:52 What does it do? I don't care where it's from. This is the Star Wars prequels all over again. Moira takes the scroll that you're offering her. No, I don't offer it. No, no, no.
Starting point is 00:10:02 She's just looking at it. She's just looking at it. Okay, okay. And she looks, carefully reads the Laurossian runes as she says, where did you find this mage? I'm a very powerful warlock, possibly Chinese,
Starting point is 00:10:19 from a different time. I'm just showing this to you so that you know you are allied with a very powerful entity. Well, I want you to understand something that you may be as well, because you see, I know this scroll very well.
Starting point is 00:10:36 I am in the process of drafting this scroll. What? It's called the Mazel. And it is not yet finished. Gosh. So I ask... Do you want to cut your work in half and just copy this one? You would be the most annoying
Starting point is 00:10:58 time traveller to ever meet. Pretty helpful stuff, I reckon. Knocking on Einstein's door squared. Squared. That's what you...
Starting point is 00:11:17 Equals MC something. Little two. Tight little two. Alright, take the afternoon off, Al. It's your own work, so you don't have to feel bad. Freeze her out! Drop the mic, walk off. Let me ask you this, Mage.
Starting point is 00:11:38 You have identified this as the scroll of the Tarrasque. That is the mark that we put at the top. What do you know of the Tarrasque? I think I know that it's the one that wasn't the asteroid when it was offered to me. But I think it can... The Tarrasque was a thing of pure fiction. A fantasy, an illusion, something that tormented my brother since he was a child. He would see it and he would not sleep and he would moan and cry and run to my bed.
Starting point is 00:12:03 And we turned that nightmare into something potent. The Tarrasque will be our salvation. What? Are you saying this is something purely fictional that you've brought into reality? Like, the fortified wine tokay? I'm going to be honest, Dave, I'm also really annoying in the present. The Tarrasque is a creature of magic, three times the size of Ilanar. It can level cities.
Starting point is 00:12:35 It can destroy worlds. Its hunger is relentless, and it will not die and cannot be killed. And if you are telling me that we have finished the spell, I will just be taking the scroll now. Please, thank you very much. Why did you make that? Excuse me?
Starting point is 00:12:51 Very silly. Too big. Too big. Too dangerous. Too dangerous. Too world-ending. Too world-ending. Sorry to interrupt on your conversation here,
Starting point is 00:13:00 but that's coca bananas. Now, I don't really understand. Is thatca bananas. Now I don't really understand your future talk. This is Stride here. Come on. He looks up from a very chewy plate of teppanyaki. But listen, what? He's catching
Starting point is 00:13:17 an egg. Oi! Oi! I asked Little Runes to create a monster to fight one. Have you met Cassus? Do you know what he's capable of? Do you know what he's trying to do? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:13:38 Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Oh, I gave someone else a go They always pick on one person It's just You cannot create gravitas In a scene Beyond the fourth wall There is an impassive Slug in a scene. I know. Beyond the fourth wall, there is
Starting point is 00:14:06 an impassive slug in a chef's hat just hoiking hockey noodles at you. I mean, you can try. All you can do is try. If you've got a better idea about how to take down castles, I'd like to hear it. But that
Starting point is 00:14:21 scroll there, thank you very much, that's our best bet. But that scroll's not going to just take down Casas. That'll take down the whole world. Some of the world. It's debatable, the percentage. But listen, do you know what would happen if he was left unchecked?
Starting point is 00:14:38 What? Oh, boy. Here's what he would do. All of the people of this land, he would... subject to energy-draining magics to keep him alive for an eternity. The very power that his whole world runs on now,
Starting point is 00:14:56 the power that this ship runs on, may very well be a prototype for that. And you know what he plans in three days? And this is the figure of Jarek Rym staring at his noodles but talking to the room. He better keep his eye on that slug. Single egg. Right in the forehead.
Starting point is 00:15:17 Eyes on the prize, Jarek. No, but it's terrifying. What? Beyond all imagination. He's building a weapon. He won't stop talking about it, crowing to the high mages of Netheril that in three days' time he's going to unveil something that will save the Netherese Empire. It's a weapon and it's going to destroy us
Starting point is 00:15:36 and imprison the people down there. He points down, Why can't we all just get along? That's my question. Weapons, destruction. Why don't we just get rid of all the weapons? Hey, don't take this the wrong way, but are you a virgin? Why?
Starting point is 00:16:00 Why, as a matter of fact, yes, I am. And I'm beginning to think that if we were all virgins, the world would be a much better place. But there wouldn't be any people in it, so... Stride. Yeah. Filge. You want to give yourself points for that?
Starting point is 00:16:20 One of the things I'm learning about leadership is knowing people's names is very important. Did you have a mnemonic to remember my name? Phil Collins, in the air tonight. We're in the air tonight. Does that mean that if you ever land the ship, you're going to forget Phil just saying. I think the more pertinent question is does this mean that Phil Collins exists in not only D&D world, but ancient D&D world?
Starting point is 00:16:52 It does suggest, because we know Phil Collins exists in the Grimace Detective Agency and also Beef Babes. But this means that Phil Collins pre-existed all of them by a thousand years as some sort of eternal being. And if Phil Collins existed a thousand years as some sort of eternal being. And if Phil Collins existed a thousand years ago,
Starting point is 00:17:07 does that mean that he inspired Eminem to write the song Stan in this world? Great question, and I'll take them one at a time. I think that the Phil Collins we have in our world is an echo of sort of an Ur-Phil Collins. A genesis, if you will. Shut up! You stepped on it! You stepped on it, Dave! Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do I heard it Ben Genesis very funny very good Genesis that was the band he was in
Starting point is 00:17:45 well Stroud me have a mnemonic to remember your name too oh yeah Stroud Stroud Von Zarovich the vampire
Starting point is 00:17:56 who we've killed a bunch of times wait wait what yeah easy to remember because you were a vampire and we killed you a bunch of times. So many different times. Yeah, me a very good leader too, actually. I'm not a vampire.
Starting point is 00:18:17 Yeah, not yet, but as soon as you become one, oh boy, do we murder you. Actually, we did actually murder him before he was a vampire. Excuse me? No, I think actually, no, I don't think we murdered you. I think we murdered someone very close to you, potentially a nephew or an uncle or something. No, but the second time we did kill him. That's true.
Starting point is 00:18:35 That is true, yeah. Yeah. Very carefully, Strahd puts his ball down. You notice the room has gone silent. Moira and Maisel are watching you intently. Even Sluggy Beer reads the room has gone silent. Moira and Maisel are watching you intently. Even Sluggy Beer reads the room. Or does he...
Starting point is 00:18:50 No. He very seriously, somberly puts his bowl down and immediately he's hit in the face of an egg. Oh, come on. Quick hands. Just whose side are you on? Right now, we're on your side But that's up to you, really This is my master
Starting point is 00:19:14 This is the man I have sworn to protect This is the Great Jha The only hope of the freeborn folk below If Karsus lives and Strahd dies There will be a thousand years of terrible suffering. We know. We've been through this. That's why we're here.
Starting point is 00:19:31 That's why we're here. So what are you going to do about it? We're going to help you kill Cassus and then we're going to teach you a little thing about kindness. Yeah, us, the dragon friends. Did you say that you murdered my nephew for no reason? In a previous timeline! It was your father. What?! What you have to realize about time travel is it's hilarious. These are just time travelling jokes. We've been doing it so long
Starting point is 00:20:08 we get blood. None of this is none of this is true. Hang on. If you guys can time travel can't I just go to the future too? No. Not allowed.
Starting point is 00:20:15 Sorry only cool people. Anyone can. You can't go to the future. You can't actually. But if you're in the future you could come to the past. But to go to the future you need to be stretched by a rubber band this way, and then you can take a pill and take it back.
Starting point is 00:20:30 But unfortunately, no rubber band for you, so you're stuck here. Yeah, you're not stretched. Linear time for you, Strahd. That's a really good and thought-out system. It seems somewhat wasted on this. Great jar. And this is moira laroon this is my brother's mirror these are our words clearly they speak the truth if they can help us fight casus i believe we should work with them moira're bloody, you're a straight talker and I like that about you. You're a weirdo
Starting point is 00:21:08 but that's by the by. I just think I try to keep the plot moving forward. Really my purpose in the gang. Yeah, but you're an odd duck. Sometimes I feel like we're trying to go on a mission and then we get distracted. We see a cool restaurant.
Starting point is 00:21:24 We hang out there for 22 minutes. And sometimes I think, well, when we started this, we agreed when we were downstairs in the Mexican restaurant talking about the mission, we agreed on what the mission was, but now it seems you're on a different mission, which is just getting deep in a teppanyaki rib. Yeah, that's why they call you Mad Moira with his bloody crazy... Anyway, point is...
Starting point is 00:21:52 Point is... I have so little control. You've come to me, you've said some things that I don't agree with. Killing me a number of times. I could not disagree in stronger terms. Killing my dad, similar sentiments there.
Starting point is 00:22:12 But as Moira says, you guys seem to be from the future and we seem to be on the same page vis-a-vis Cassis. So what say we f*cking kill him? Yeah. All in favour say ay-oh. Ay-oh. Great. That went down really well. So what say we f*cking kill him? Yeah. All in favour say, Eyo.
Starting point is 00:22:27 Eyo. Great. That went down really well. Now listen, I... Me. Me. Yeah. You? Go.
Starting point is 00:22:36 Okay. Filj. Stradron's Vazarevich is the vampire who we killed a bunch of times. Stop saying that. It's making it very difficult. I'm sorry. Now, not too vampire who we killed a bunch of times. Stop saying that, it's making it very difficult. Now, not too long ago, but also lots of futures to come, we heard about a pretty nifty way of smushing a whole place,
Starting point is 00:23:00 being a big shoe on a tiny ant. But what if that ant has a gun? Well, it depends on the size of the gun. Yeah, I mean, if it's a big gun, we'd all be in trouble. What I'm saying is this. Remember when Karsus smushed? Yes, so if we make sure that he doesn't... Oh, he's already up in the sky. No, where are more in the sky?
Starting point is 00:23:23 Okay, so you are in his flagship, the Rapture. He is obviously in Ilanar, presumably at this moment at the dinner party where he announces to all assembled that he has developed a way to save the Netherese Empire. A dinner party you have attended twice now. That's right, but me saying let's land the ship on the dinner party and smush him just like he does all the smooshes in the future. But what if he has a gun?
Starting point is 00:23:48 Now, I like this plan and I especially like the ship part because we've been trying to get up there for a very long time because we've got some very interesting information. But getting up there, man, that's harder than getting to the shops when they're closed and floating in the sky and heavily armed by guards. So listen. At this point, Banknote sneaks off to the ship
Starting point is 00:24:16 and decides to fly us back to Cassis' space. Okay, great. So Banknote's leaving. Listen, as my numera uno, my right-hand man, my hockey pal, was just telling you, Karsus is up to something and in three days he's going to unveil it. It's a weapon and the Laroons in their infinite wisdom and sneakiness and, yeah, I'll say it, weirdness,
Starting point is 00:24:40 they have got this for me and he pulls out a key and he says, this is a key to the vault inside Carstus' private chambers. If we can get in there, disable whatever he's got going on, then take him by surprise or do it in any order you want. I'm open to that.
Starting point is 00:24:58 I'm a collaborator. Hang on, Strahd. That's a key to his quarters. Yeah. Is that the only one you have? Because if we need to make a copy, there's a key to his quarters. Yeah. Is that the only one you have? Because if we need to make a copy, there's a place. Go on. Called Mr Minute.
Starting point is 00:25:12 And get this, they don't just do that, they also do... Oh, look at that, the ship arrives. With the capable flying of Lion Shield Magna, the ship is already soaring back to Rapture. Now all the klaxons wailing, the ship is leaking ether, 3% capacity, the engines are almost overloaded as you hover over the city. Have they just knocked out Valentine?
Starting point is 00:25:39 No, I was going to say. And all of you are assembled now in the throne room as one of the howlers drags in the now disheveled and it has to be said it looks like beaten up figure of the young ardent flight academist Ballantyne
Starting point is 00:25:56 as Moira Laroon leans in and says we will ask you one more time the passwords for landing in Ilana. We understand they change every hour and it has been, yes, two hours since this ship took off and you will tell us the gonna tell you. I'd rather die than help you lot.
Starting point is 00:26:36 You lied to me. Moira looks back in stride and says perhaps this would be a chance for our new friends to show that they are serious that they will do what it takes to take on Cassis by making this wretch talk. Okay, says Filch. And she whacks him on the head with a hammer. No, not head. Head will do damage.
Starting point is 00:26:59 Oh, what? Kneecap, kneecap, kneecap. Kneecap with a hammer. Thank you, Friso. No worries. For always showing restraint and teaching me your ways. Happy to help, Phil. Twink.
Starting point is 00:27:11 So I hit him with my Thunder's Wake on the kneecap. Yeah, Dave, what's the armour class of a patella? So that hits. I can tell you that right now. Yeah, well, it's a coup de grace because he's disabled. And that's 15 damage on the old kneecaps. Constitution saving throw. He rolls a six.
Starting point is 00:27:32 He screams in pain and Terry begins to weep for his mother. And he says, Songbird! Okay, easy peasy. So wait, his kneecap is busted, but he keeps up the voice. Yeah. Because in his mind he's like, if I get through this, I need to tell my therapist I was strong. I even kept up the voice.
Starting point is 00:27:52 He's very committed to his therapy. That's good. Personal growth is good. It is. Songbird, was it? Songbird? Maisel Rune nods and enters the correct runes and sigils on the control board as the white glowing eyes of Banknote flicker and a smile forms on his bloodless lips as the ship docks at Launchpad McQuack and lands with a hiss and pneumatic seals disengage as a whoosh of steam is blown out from underneath the ship and the docking ramp descends
Starting point is 00:28:26 down with the correct password identified. No one yet has any reason to believe that there is anyone other than Chiron's men aboard. So, we get off the ship, we head towards the lift, I guess?
Starting point is 00:28:42 Yeah, just to be clear in terms of the timing, if you said two hours have passed, everyone should be at the banquet now. That's correct. Right now the feast is well on its way. Friso gets into the lift with everyone. The first thing he does is through the grate in the bottom of the lift. Using Eldritch Spear, he casts an Eldritch Blast
Starting point is 00:29:02 down towards whoever is beneath the lift. Well, I've got a question here. This is really a question for Tom. Tom, Trevor has lived for two hours longer than he normally lives in this timeline. Yeah, yeah. So I'd love to know what's happened in the intervening two. He's written in his diary.
Starting point is 00:29:20 Because anything he has done in these two hours could potentially have timeline altering consequences. Oh, okay. Well, I'm trying to think what's going to help the story, but also he's just a pervert, so I want to play true to the character. Does he mean looking at feet pics on his phone? Yeah, I reckon he...
Starting point is 00:29:37 He doesn't have a phone. He's probably just kind of looked wherever he is. He's probably like a great at eye level and he's just looking at people's feet. Yeah, there's people nodding at me. That's the sort of looked wherever he is. He's probably like a great at eye level and he's just looking at people's feet. Yeah, there's people nodding at me. That's the sort of thing that people do. I don't know. He hasn't moved.
Starting point is 00:29:54 A young lady bends down and says, Excuse me, were you looking at my feet? Yeah, I guess I was. Sorry, I can be so clumsy sometimes. I've always been so self can be so clumsy sometimes. I've always been so self-conscious about my feet. Sorry, is this just a random character talking out? Keep going, play the scene out, let's see where it's going.
Starting point is 00:30:25 I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. My name's Trevor. I'm a pervert in the sewer. I'm a pervert on the street. My name's Annabelle. Annabelle, this might come kind of sudden, but would you like to get a drink sometime? Yeah, I would.
Starting point is 00:30:59 Zap! And he's dead. I'd want you to know, Dave, that Friso rolled that and he rolled a natural 20, so he's really dead. He's really f*cking dead. Great, so he dies. Annabelle, the street pervert, will avenge him. Big bad for next season. The elevator clatters down and clatters down far below the feasts, far below the living quarters
Starting point is 00:31:23 until it comes to a small embutterment where there... Alright. I'm getting away with that one, apparently. Yeah. A corridor leads off into the private residences of the Archmage himself, he who rules all of Ilanar. Karsus the
Starting point is 00:31:41 kind. Karsus the benevolent. Karsus who will save this world. These are his private residences, private laboratories, private quarters. And who, may I ask, is leading the way? Who is keeping watch at the back? I'll lead the way. Filj, all right, Filj is leading the way.
Starting point is 00:31:59 Does that mean, Bobby, are you at the back? Yeah, I'll keep watch at the back. All right, great, make a perception check for me, Bobby. And you stalk down the corridor. You can see that with the feast in progress, this area is nigh on abandoned before you arrive at a large door. The door is a single piece of burnished metal, and there is a single ornate keyhole built into the centre of it
Starting point is 00:32:25 with a fresco of strange patterns undulating out towards the corners. Who's got the key? That would be me. Oh, yeah, hit it, man. You know what? I mean, use it. Don't hit it.
Starting point is 00:32:41 You get it. I'd like to do this, if that's alright. Oh, yeah. Go nuts. We've done it already, sir. Don't get it. Yeah. You get it. I'd like to do this, if that's all right. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Go nuts. We've done it already, sir. You haven't done this already. Oh, no, no.
Starting point is 00:32:52 This is special and just you. Feeling somewhat diminished, Strahd. You're doing great. Feeling somewhat diminished, Strahd takes the key while the Laroon siblings and Jarek look on. Can you make a perception check for me, Friezo? Friezo. Friezo rolls a natural 20. Okay, great.
Starting point is 00:33:12 In this moment, a few things happen simultaneously as everybody leans in to watch. First of all, all of the dragon friends suddenly feel a strange flipping of your stomachs as Bile rises and you realise that chronomatic dysfunction is taking hold of your insides. We need to do another line. Anyone who wants to can use up the medicine that they have. Anyone who doesn't want to can take a constitution save.
Starting point is 00:33:38 I'll take my medicine. How much medicine do we need to take? Do we have one full line or can we just do like a bump off a key? It's a full line? Or can we just do a bump off a key? It's a full dose. Yep. Yeah, we'll do it. We'll do it.
Starting point is 00:33:54 And Friso, because you're rolling a 20 as well, as you are preoccupied, you suddenly feel a finger slipping towards your belt pouch. My what? Your belt pouch. Is that what we call it? All right. And you can see that the figure of Maisel Laroon is trying to slip his hand into the...
Starting point is 00:34:10 I really thought you were going to bring Trevor back there for a moment. Into the pouch containing your scroll of the Tarrasque. What are you... Get away from there. What are you doing? He looks up and he goes, just testing.
Starting point is 00:34:22 The reflexes are obviously strong, but remember, this is our magic. He flashes a smile at you and he looks at the door as a lock clicks and the door slides open and you can see a giant spherical space inside a gantry catwalk around what looks like a huge device strapped to the ceiling and to the roof. It looks like a large square prism
Starting point is 00:34:49 banded with steel. What have... It's a cube inside a sphere. I hear you all, but in the mind, no, that's fine. Oh, it's like an Event Horizon machine.
Starting point is 00:35:02 It's like... It's the f*cked up thing from Event Horizon. Just say it's the f*cked up thing. It's the f*cked up thing from Event Horizon. Just say it's the f*cked up thing. It's the f*cked up thing with spikes. Why does it have spikes? To make it scary. But this cube, Dave.
Starting point is 00:35:14 Yeah, it's spinning like the f*cked up thing from Event Horizon. If you were to pick it up, how heavy do you think it'd be? I don't hear that and I won't respond to it. So, there is a lever by the doorway. Jeregrim looks at it, looks for approval from Strahd, who nods, and he yanks the lever as out spits a walkway, a little sort of tready... Oh, like a gangplank.
Starting point is 00:35:42 Like a gangplank spits out towards the cube and Strahd looks at all of you, looks around, but it seems that for now no alarms have been sprung. The space seems to be yours. Well, Fraser's going to walk forward because he has the Claw of Chiron just in case that has any security sh*t on it that he's allowed to, like swipes or whatever.
Starting point is 00:36:06 So he's going to walk forward across the gangplank. Alright, you walk towards the gangplank and as you get there, you have a jolt of recognition because you realise that this is the one and same prison, tomb, that you have seen a thousand years ago. No longer corroded with rust. Now it looks empty, vacant, newly made. It is a cell. ten feet by ten feet. And Strahd says to Jarek, this doesn't look like any kind of weapon I recognise. This is, we saw him in this.
Starting point is 00:36:35 We saw Karsus in this. All the energy of the world was draining to him. This was the furnace. Oh, the kiln. The kiln. The kiln. The kiln. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:36:48 I'd say that's just about enough of that. When you leaned over to talk to Dave just now, were you asking what's Cassus' voice? I'd say that's just enough about that. As you hear that, you turn around and you see, walking down the corridor towards you with two liveried officers of the Arden flight by his side, the figure of Karsa, seemingly unarmed, in his dress shirt and rings and fineries, unarmed, walking unhurriedly towards the seven of you.
Starting point is 00:37:20 Oh, hey guys. Guess you didn't get the invitation to the dinner party, because I didn't send you one. You weren't invited is what I was... It was a clunky way of saying it, but I'm full of salmon and I just can't think. Cassius, you don't know who the f*ck we are. You see, the thing about that is,
Starting point is 00:37:39 I can't do. How? And as he says that, another figure steps out from behind Cassus. Very old man, head bound down by a heavy chain, looking absolutely miserable as he stares at you, Bobby. I'm sorry, I see all and I sometimes say some of it. Oh, this f*cking guy.
Starting point is 00:38:00 Grand Seer Itheria? Yes. guy. Grand Sir Itheria? Yes. Cassus could sense that something was amiss and demanded of me if there was something that I could see, and I could see this timeline.
Starting point is 00:38:13 It's the one that comes closest to the knot, and I'm sorry. Yeah, he's sorry. Did you hear that? He's sorry. Frito's gonna lunge for the old cube. You're going to lunge towards the cube? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:38:29 Okay, great. You race towards the cube, and as you do that, Casas shouts out in alarm that you are very close to it. The door of it is open, and you can race into it if you want to. Is this how Friso dies?
Starting point is 00:38:44 Banknote runs towards the cube. As soon as Banknote crosses the precipice of the cube, the door slams shut as the cube begins to spin and a voice shouts out in every known language that ever will or shall be that all of you can understand instinctively as every language that you understand as it says,
Starting point is 00:39:15 God Containment Protocol activated. I, I, I, what? Ceiling now, and there is a radiant blast of light as Casas screams out in anger and frustration. You f*cking idiots! That's not meant for that guy! I don't know who that guy is!
Starting point is 00:39:35 I think he didn't tell me who that guy was! My name is Lineshield Banknotes! Shut up! Of the Rutherglen Banknotes! Don't you understand what that is? Yes. It's a God box. What?
Starting point is 00:39:46 And there's not a God in it. Oh. What? What happens now? And as Banknote says that at the door, the cube glows white, spins, and then suddenly begins to grow and disappear. And as everybody in the room sits and watches the colossal energies required by a mad genius
Starting point is 00:40:13 to trap and imprison a god awaited down upon Lion Shield banknote level 7 artificer who looks at Friso for some kind of consolation or acknowledgement that he did what he
Starting point is 00:40:33 wanted him to do. Is this what... You are my new friend. Is this what you wanted me to do? And Friso's just like, Oh boy. Gosh. I was almost going to get in there.
Starting point is 00:40:50 Gosh. Isn't that what you always wanted, Frieza? I wanted to be a god, but I think this kills a god, and in this instance, kills that guy. But in actual fact, in a previous timeline that's still connected to me
Starting point is 00:41:05 I already looted his stuff so I think we're okay time is of course a curious thing a curious thing indeed sages say that the history of Faerun is divided into three great ages an age of wonder, an age of ruin and an age that is yet to come, a third age an age where all is possible where Faer runes fade, hangs in the balance,
Starting point is 00:41:27 where fortunes can be made, where the good can rise or perish, where evil can flourish or finally be thwarted. These are ages unending, impossibly long, spinning in the ethereum of nine known worlds. And yet, in the every instant of this age at all times possible in all spaces imaginable lion shield banknote is undone unstitched in time dying the most painful death imaginable again and again and again it takes terrible magic to trap a god to hold them even for an instant casus perhaps in his folly, believes by trapping one he can save his people,
Starting point is 00:42:08 find ether sufficient to find his salvation. He may not be right, but one thing is sure, his box can truly f*ck up Lion Shield. Bank note, we will see you again in season 8 of Dragon Friends.
Starting point is 00:42:24 Give me the character sheet. Give me the character sheet. I just wanted you all to know that I was a good boy. Ballet bendo Oh, that is not where I thought this episode would go. Thank you! Thank you! Tom, do you know who Launchpad McQuack is? Yeah, of course I do. Who is Launchpad McQuack is? Yeah, of course I do.
Starting point is 00:43:08 Who is Launchpad McQuack? Follow-up question. Huh? Because I feel like Launchpad McQuack, I think if you're under 30, maybe you wouldn't know who Launchpad McQuack is. Is there anyone under 30 who knows who Launchpad McQuack is? 29.
Starting point is 00:43:22 29, okay. Who is Launchpad McQuack? I want to find the youngest person here. I'm so sorry to interrupt you, sir. But shut up. Honestly, please, just shut the f*ck up. Would you do that for me? It's fun to be angry at the paying audience
Starting point is 00:43:45 Guys again we're so glad to be back in front of a live audience Never has the arts been more important I swear to god I want to find the youngest person here Who knows who Launchpad McQuack is How old are you? 24 I know someone's bowed out over there
Starting point is 00:44:04 It's the f*cking DuckTales reboot. Can anybody beat 24? Oh, it's the reboot. It's the reboot. Did you just forget how old you were? Because you put your hand up and then you put your hand down. It's 24 as well, so... What month?
Starting point is 00:44:15 What month? What month? April. April? January. Oh! April wins! April. April. All! April wins! April.
Starting point is 00:44:25 April wins. The second half of the podcast is just this. So, Mr. January, that makes... No. That's Mo. That's January. Mo, who's born in April. No.
Starting point is 00:44:37 No. Mo's January. Who's younger? Are you having an episode? Who's younger? Are you having an episode? Who's younger? I believe Mr. April is at the back. Did you think January was younger because it's a smaller month? Hell yeah.
Starting point is 00:44:59 I'm going to take some time to work out how I did that. No, I did the same thing. I did the same thing as well. We don't want... Six persons from two Bs. I see. It's like... It's like, you know that scene in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Starting point is 00:45:11 where he does the Russian roulette and then he shoots the guy and he's like, there's a 6% chance. And it's such a funny joke because you understand how he got there. I'm trying to work out how I did that. And I'll report back in the middle of a very important bit of the podcast. But a person who was born in April, what was your name? Shane. Hi, Shane.
Starting point is 00:45:30 Who is Launchpad McQuack? He's a character on Tailspin. No. No. Incorrect. No. f*ck off, Shane. All right.
Starting point is 00:45:39 I swear to God. Next, next. This is this c*nt all over again. We have to go to April. We have to go to Mo. We have to go to... Mo, who was born in April? I was born in January. I mean...
Starting point is 00:45:49 Mo, you were born in January. Who is Launchpad McQuack? He's the pilot on DuckTales. Yes, okay. Congratulations. Would you like this beer? I don't have a bottle open. Did the person who came after hearing this on 702,
Starting point is 00:46:10 are they still here? Hey! Yeah!
